Here at Key West Jokes .com, we love jokes of all kinds, including Pig Jokes!
Pig Jokes Test
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- Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 14:00:19 (EDT)
A pig goes into a bar and asks for six beers and drinks them all and asks the bartender where the bathroom is and is told by the bartender that is down the hall. A little while latter the pig leaves. Then another pig comes in and asks for twelve beers and then asks where the bathroom is and is told that is down the hall. A little while latter the pig leaves. Then a third pig enters and orders and drinks twenty-four beers and is just about to leave when the bartender asks "hey, aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" and the pig says "No, I'm the pig that goes wee-wee all the way home."
A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig. He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over.
Cop asks "Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?" The driver says "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field."
The cop says" I want you to take that pig to the zoo!" The driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo.
The next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO!!"
He replied, "Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now."
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Breeding Problems
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc...
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with
them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around. He concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods,
bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of
them is honking the horn."
Q. What's a pig's favorite ballet?
A. Swine Lake.
Search Google For Health and Other Information about your
Critter. Just type in the type (Pig, Dog, cat, etc.)
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Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?
A. They thought their father was an awful boar.
The Pig with a Wooden Leg
A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!
He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. "Excuse me," the traveler said. "I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?" The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have - and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That's a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year.
"There's another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out. "There is no question about it - that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily."
"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?"
The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at one time!"
A Farmer and His Pig
On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.
"Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"
"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"
Q: What is a crafty pig called?
A: CunningHAM.
Q: What did the exasperated Jewish pig say?
A: "Oink Vey"
Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep
Animals-Pigs/Sheep
Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?
If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?
If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?
If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea
when humans fly'?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?
Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?
Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
Why Did The Pig Cross The Road?
Albert Einstein |
Whether the pig crossed the road or the road crossed the pig depends upon your frame of reference. |
| Aristotle |
To actualize its potential. |
| Buddha |
If you ask this question, you deny your own pig-nature. |
| B.F. Skinner |
Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. |
| Carl Jung |
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual pigs cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. |
| Darwin |
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. |
| Douglas Adams | Forty-two. |
| David Hume | Out of custom and habit. |
| Donald Hare | To Get To The Other Side... duh!! |
| Emily Dickinson |
Because it could not stop for death. |
| Epicurus | For fun. |
| Ernest Hemingway |
Not to be so tough early in the morning (To Have And Have Not) |
| Frank Perdue |
I breed the finest pig I know how, and it crosses the road as part of a vigorous fitness program to raise the leanest, plumpest pigs anywhere. Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at the time. |
| Karl Marx | It was a historical inevitability. |
| Machiavelli |
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a pig which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of porcine virtue? In such a manner is the princely pig's dominion maintained. |
| Hippocrates |
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. |
| Jacques Derrida |
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the pig crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! |
| Thomas de Torquemada | Give me ten minutes with the pig and I'll find out. |
| Timothy Leary |
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. |
| Nietzsche |
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. |
| Oliver North | National Security was at stake. |
| Jean-Paul Sartre |
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the pig found it necessary to cross the road. | | Ludwig Wittgenstein |
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "pig" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. |
| Howard Cosell |
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic,unprecedented porcine quadruped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly elegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence. |
| Salvador Dali | The Fish. |
| Ralph Waldo Emerson |
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. |
| Johann Friedrich von Goethe |
The eternal sow-principle made it do it. |
| Werner Heisenberg |
We are not sure which side of the road the pig was on, but it was moving very fast. |
| Schrodinger | Pig? Pig!? Where's my cat? | | Saddam Hussein |
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. | | Jack Nicholson |
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. |
| Pyrrho the Skeptic | What road? |
| Ronald Reagan | I don't recall. |
| John Sununu |
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the pig availed himself of the opportunity. |
| The Sphinx | You tell me. |
| Mr. T |
If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! |
| Henry David Thoreau |
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. |
| Mark Twain |
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. |
| Molly Yard |
It was a sow! | | Plato |
For the greater good. |
| Zeno of Elea | To prove it could never reach the other side. |
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